Insomnia and First Kisses
by Giftwrapped Jack
Summary: Lily Evans is worrying and can't sleep. When James can't sleep either, and the two talk, something happens that could change their relationship and put Lily's fears to rest. James/Lily


**Insomnia and First Kisses**

**By** Giftwrapped Jack

**Disclaimer** I'm obviously not J.K.Rowling. I'm not rich, blonde, or british. I'm not making any money from this, and I don't intend to.

**Summery:** Lily Evans is worrying and can't sleep. When James can't sleep either, and the two talk, something happens that could change their relationship and put Lily's fears to rest.

**Pairing:** Lily/James, Fluff

**Rating:** PG-13ish.

**Oneshot**

**Author's Note: READ THIS PLEASE:**

**In this fanfiction, it states James Potter was a Gryffindor Chaser. Only the MOVIES List him as seeker. J.K. Rowling has officially said he was a chaser, so I'm going with her.**

Reviews are love.  
Flames will be used to torch Severus Snape's clothes, because a Naked Snape makes for a happy author.

If you don't like a particular pairing or genre, you shouldn't even read the story. You're wasting seconds of your life writing a bad review. Now, don't you think you can be more productive?

Now, constructive critisism is welcome. Any grammer and spelling errors are my own, and I apologize if there are any. I did a spell check, so we should be good, but please correct me and point out the mistakes so they can be corrected.

Oh, and if you are going to leave me a nice review, please don't end with "Aren't you just dying to read so-and-so's chapter in their new fic?" Actually, No. I'm dying to know what you think of mine. If I want the world to know about someone's fanfiction, I'll plug it myself.

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Insomnia and First Kisses

It was late, too late, and Lily Evans couldn't sleep. She had never been so riddled with sleepless nights before, but as the year approached it's end and her last year grew ever so closer, her mind would not give her a moments rest. It raced, constantly, leaping over fears of leaving Hogwarts and thoughts of having to study. She would think of James Potter and how she might miss his horrible attempts at courtship, or where Severus was going even though their friendship had faltered. She wondered if her friendship with Alice Longbottom would hold strong, and if there was a job waiting for her somewhere out there. Would she get good grades on all her tests, as she had all these past years? Or would the last year be too much, the pressure too great, for her to make it out? Lily was plagued with these thoughts, night after night, and no matter how hard she tried she could not put her mind at rest. There were options, of course. Potions, spells, but as much as Lily prided herself on her magical ability she was still too cautious to test such things on herself. There were too many rumors and horror stories going around, and she did not want to become another statistic about young girls who didn't study enough and ended up hexing themselves. She could go to Pomfry, but she would come off as some silly girl who couldn't control her worries.

Instead, Lily turned to her books. She found reading awfully preoccupying, and while her mind was keeping up with the story her body winded down. Soon, sometime around chapter seven, she would start to doze off, wondering where the main character was going instead of whether she would make it out of Hogwarts or not. It was so much easier to worry over fictional people, then over herself.

The fire grew dim in the Gryffindor Common Room, but there were still enough dying embers to keep her feet warm. Tonight's book was titled "August 1914", and she really couldn't get into it. It was a Russian book, one she would have never picked for herself. It was a Christmas gift from Petunia, one her sister had been forced to get for her. Lily knew if her parents hadn't made Petunia buy her something every year, her jealous sister would never consider getting a Christmas or Birthday present for Lily. Sometimes, Lily wished her parents wouldn't. Petunia always picked out the worst items. Dresses she would never wear or books she would never read. The gifts were a waste of their parents hard earned money. At least Lily had been sensible when buying presents, things Petunia liked or wanted.

Lily sighed, flipping the page in the book. Her pajamas didn't feel like they were enough to keep her warm tonight, but she had a handmade quilt given to her by Alice Longbottom. Bless Alice's heart, Lily thought. Alice didn't have much money, but she did have quite a bit of skill in the craft area. Alice's gifts were gifts Lily always looked forward to receiving. The red and gold quilt was draped over her shoulders, and gathered in her lap where her legs were crossed. It provided the warmth that the purple silk button down shirt and pants could not. Purple, Lily's mother's favorite color. She remembered her father's comment when she opened her Mother's going away present:

_"But, Chrissy, Lilies aren't purple..."_

And how her mother had replied:

_"Yes, Jakob. There are purple lilies in Malaysia."_

Her mother had always been so smart, Lily thought. It inspired her to do well in school. Petunia had never seen things like that. Petunia would throw tantrums, yelling at their mother that she didn't know everything, but Lily thought she did, even though she knew such heights of intelligence were near impossible for a small town English woman. Two kids, a husband, and no school degree, but Lily's mother knew things you couldn't possibly imagine. Like camels, for instance. Lily had never seen a real one, and neither had her mother, but one day there was picture of one in a book Lily was looking at. Some child's color book, with names of baby animals and the like. When Lily went to her mother to ask her what the animal was called, being not quite old enough to pronounce the name herself, the response given was:

_"That's a camel, Lily. Those humps aren't full of water, as you might start to think when you get older. It's actually fat. A camel's back is straight.''_

Lily had tried telling Petunia, but Petunia said she didn't care about camels, stole the book and ripped the page in two. Lily hadn't cried, because even though the book was gone the knowledge had been remembered.

Sighing again, and frustrated that her mind was on her family and not on the words in the book, Lily closed her tome and placed it next to her. "Now how am I going to fall asleep?" She asked herself out loud, resting her elbows on her knees and her chin on her hands. "Argh. Not only can't I sleep, but now I'm going insane. Talking to myself like someone out there can hear me.." She hadn't bothered to whisper, for she didn't fear waking anyone up, so she was shocked when a cold hand touched her shoulder from behind.

"Actually." A familiar voice said. "I can hear you quite fine, and as for the sleeping problem, I'd suggest counting sheep." A chuckle followed the talking, and the hand on her shoulder was lifted as the speaker walked around the sofa to sit next to Lily.

"James." Lily snarled, angrily. She did not appreciate being startled at such a late hour, especially by that horrible, conceited jackass known as James Potter. "Go away, James. I don't care for your company or your sleeping advice. If your looking to bother someone, tonight isn't the night to pick me. Go out to the Quidditch shed or something and bug the night guard for a broom." She glanced the other way, then added under her breath: "Your chaser abilities could certainly use the practice."

James glanced at her, as if he was really considering the suggestion of a nighttime fly. Then, shaking his head, he reached down and picked up her book. He remained silent, flipping through the pages and wrinkling his nose in confusion. "I can understand why you can't sleep." He said finally. "You're reading rubbish. I'd be up all night trying to understand this." He tossed the book aside, and leaned closer to Lily much to her discomfort.

"Potter, just because the book is Russian doesn't mean it's written _in_ Russian. I can understand the book just fine. I can't sleep because.." She stopped, mid sentence and bit her lip. Perhaps her lack of sleep was crumbling her resolve, because she would have never shared anything personal with James Potter before. Hugging her quilt closer, she stared into the fire and decided to leave her sentence unfinished. Mentally angry at herself and weary of the unwanted companion, Lily reasoned that if she just sat good and quiet, James would go away.

Lily had no such luck, as even after a full ten minutes of silence (or what felt like it), James was still there, staring intently at her as if he thought she would eventually finish her sentence when she had no such plans to do so. He cleared his throat a few times, earning many glares from her, but neither spoke. James, in an attempt to prod Lily into conversation, grabbed a peice of the quilt and pulled it toward him. Lily made a noise, something like a 'harumph', and tugged it back.

Finally, to break the silence, James spoke. "So, uh, I can't sleep either." He whispered lightly, gazing into the last flickering ember before the fire would ash and then magically re-flame.

"Obviously." Lily retorted, her eyes trained on the floor.

"I don't know why you're being so fresh, Lily. So bloody mean, all the time. I was only ever nice to you." James' words were not spoken in the joking way he would use them during the day, but in a much softer tone.

"Yes, that's true." Lily nodded, dropping the sarcasm from her voice. She bit her lip, sighed, then continued. "But, James, you were never nice to anyone else. You always thought you were better. If all your horrid attempts at romancing me-"

"Were they really that horrid?" James interrupted.

"Yes." After allowing herself a small laugh, she pressed on. "If all your romancing me was real, if you really wanted to be with me, you would need to learn to treat people as equals. You're no better than anyone, James. I don't care how good you can fly on a broom or how much money you have in your pockets. I don't care if you can turn into a stag, or if you can hex poor Severus better than anyone else." Lily paused, running her hand through her hair. "Aside from that, what is there to you? You do well enough to get by in class, so your grades aren't special. You can mess your hair as much as you want, but Sirius has you beat in the hair department. Your an average person with no good qualities. I need better, and you know it." The last part was said so softly, James thought she might have started crying.

"You don't mean that." James whispered, reaching out to her. "There has to be something. I care enough about you to risk rejection every day. I'm persistent, isn't that good, Lily?"

Lily shook her head, but said differently. "It can be."

"And." James was grinning, even though it wasn't visible in the dark. "I know I'm not good in class but I'm a quick learner. I know tons about you. Your favorate color is something called mauve and your favorite drink is mint tea. You love banana pudding and you aren't too keen on dark chocolate."

Lily sighed, fidgeting in the dark. "Alright, yeah. You know about me. That's sweet, I guess."

"Your perfume is called Rose by Gwen T. Meru."

Lily laughed. "And kind of creepy, Potter."

"James." James said, his voice going soft again. "Lily, please. Call me James."

Lily bit her lip, not wanting to give him that over her. "I do, sometimes."

"Only when it slips out accidentally. I know, Lily. You don't want me to even have that. I'm not asking you out. It's my name, everyone else uses it."

"Potter.."

"It's not going to make us something special or give me leverage over you."

Lily sighed loudly out of annoyance. There was a small silence, then: "James, why can't you sleep?" She didn't want to know, but she couldn't think of anything else to say and was getting rather annoyed at the silence that seemed to be clinging to the both of them, trying to make the situation awkward.

James' small grin widened. "Ah, right then. Well.." He paused thoughtfully, reclining on the sofa and stretching his feet out in front of him. "Worry, mostly. I mean, it's probably all the sugar Sirius makes me eat.." Lily scoffed, mumbling something about a voluntary sugar coma under her breath. James ignored her and continued. "But, ah. I don't like to admit being worried about the silly things."

"What's so silly?" Lily asked.

"You." James mentally slapped himself when Lily snapped her head around. He could feel her glare. "No, uh, not what I meant. I mean, being worried about you, it's silly. I shouldn't worry at all."

"Don't be so macho, James."

James laughed. "Sometimes I have to, you know. Too many eyes. But what I meant, was, er, I was worried about us. I shouldn't be worried about a non-exsistant relationship. I would just hate to think that all this time I've spent trying to make you mine was wasted. That when school was over, you'll not be mine, still, and go find love in someone else's arms. I can't stand that thought. It's bad enough that Walter Brown gave you your first kiss, that complete fool. So obsessed with his looks, he-"

"He didn't." Lily interrupted loudly, blushing furiously but not embarrassed because James couldn't see it.

"I-what?"

"You'll be pleased to know, James, that Walter did not give me my first kiss. Guess you don't know all about me."

"He didn't?" James sounded shocked beyond all reason.

"No. I've never been kissed." Lily, though still blushing, sounded proud of the fact that she had managed to go so long without a first kiss, instead of ashamed of it. "I always wanted to be kissed by someone I trusted, not some fickle first love. More of a friend, someone whom I cared for that I could place such a special thing on without fear that in a month or two the relationship would shrivel and die."

James laughed, but nodded. Her logic was reasonable, he thought. Since she shared something personal with him, he felt obligated to do the same. "I've never been kissed either."

"Oh." Lily seemed to scoot closer, but turned her face away from him. "I always thought you and Roberta Spinnet hit it off."

James laughed again, louder. "No way. Saving myself for you."

"Oh." Lily said again.

"I'm serious."

"No." Lily smiled a bit. "No, you're not Sirius, you're James."

"Ha Ha." James feined laughter.

Losing her grin, Lily curled up and stared at the new fire in the fireplace. "James, It's not silly to be worried. I was worried too. I've been worried, it's why I couldn't sleep."

"About what?"

"Oh, everything. Grades-"

"You'll do fine." James interrupted.

"Severus-"

"will be fine, he's a genius Lily. He'll make it, even if he has to do it without you. Just don't say I said, okay?"

Lily laughed. "Uh, okay. Alice-"

"Would be your friend if you hexed her. Anything else, Lily?"

Lily bit her lip, wondering if she should tell James or not. Slowly, she nodded, and just as slowly and softly, she said "Yes. Us."

"Us?" James pressed, leaning closer to her.

Lily nodded, regretting she'd ever said anything. "Uh, sometimes, yes. I might, oh, you know, miss you. When we leave, and go our separate ways..." Lily played with a stray thread on her quilt, trying to ignore James moving ever so close to her. She could feel his smile, and it aggravated her.

"Lily, we don't have to go our separate ways."

"Sure we do."

James sighed, knowing he was going to get nowhere fast with that approach. He tried a different tactic instead.

"Lily, do you trust me."

Lily scoffed, shaking her head. James waited, though, and she answered earnestly. "Sometimes yes, sometimes no."

"Now?"

"Yes." Lily nodded slowly. "I supposed I feel like I can trust you right now."

"And are we friends? Good friends?"

"No." Lily answered, and he could tell she wasn't being sarcastic. "James, I know what you're getting at. I'm not going to let you kiss me. We're not even friends. We're nothing."

James shook his head. "We're sort of something. We certainly don't hate each other."

"That's awfully one sided."

"Most days."

"Look, James. We're kind of friends, okay? But I just want to wait. Surely, you can understand, right?"

James reached out and grabbed her arm through the quilt and was pleased when she didn't pull away. "Lily, stop waiting for someone better. I like you so very much, but we're not in a relationship that's headed toward failure. I just want to make your first kiss special, before someone ruins it."

"And what happens if I let you?" Lily was avoiding his gaze, and was angry at how vulnerable she was letting herself be. She could feel the heat from his hand, and was desperately trying to ignore it. "What if I like the kiss? What if I want more than a friendship? And then what if the relationship dies? But what if I don't like it?"

James rolled his eyes. "If you let me, I'm going to give you the most passionate, romantic kiss I can muster up. If you like it, great. I hope you do. If you want more than a friendship, I'm certainly not going to stop you. And if that happens, Lily, a relationship can only fail when people don't try. If we try our damnedest and it doesn't work out, we'll know we tried and will be friends afterward because of the fact that we tried. And no, the friendship will not be ruined by our past romance. Lily, I'll always be there for you. If you don't like the kiss, We'll be what we always have been. Lily and James. It's just a kiss, no strings attached. I'll hit on you, you'll insult me and turn me down, and we'll go on with our days for the rest of our days. A kiss is just a kiss, it's not an obligation."

Lily appeared to be thinking this over, finally shrugged James' arm off but when he replaced it she made no move to do so again.

"And." James began again, waiting for Lily to question it.

"And?" Lily questioned.

"And, after all is said and done, and the kiss is over, hopefully you'll stop worrying enough to get rest. I don't like the thought of your health suffering."

"Hmn." Lily mumbled. "Good selling point."

"Does that mean you want the kiss?" James knew he sounded eager, but he couldn't help it.

"I, ah. I suppose it couldn't hurt." Lily said the words so fast and so quietly, as if she was hoping James wouldn't hear them. He did, and was instantly by her side, rubbing her arm. She was turned away from him, but his other hand tentavily touched her chin and pulled her gaze to him.

"It's just a kiss." James reminded her, watching flames flicker in her bright green eyes.

"Just a kiss." Lily repeated, sounding a lot more calmly then she felt. Could she really have been tired enough to agree to kiss the messy haired, glasses wearing boy she had turned down so much? Yes, if she hated it should could blame it on being tired. And if she liked it...

Lily's heart sped up as she saw James close his eyes. She kept hers open, wanting to brace herself for the moment of impact. James leaned in, and her breath hitched. She wanted to pull away, but she was frozen to the spot. Just a kiss, she reminded herself, and leaned in, just a bit, to press her lips against James' so tentatively and softly she wasn't even sure she was doing it. James pressed closer, his lips parting and moving against hers. Her mouth followed suit, opening just a bit with no idea as to what she was doing or how to do it. James' head tilted to the side, pushing his tongue past his lips and into her's. She squealed with surprise, but slid her lips closed and allowed his curious explorations. It was an odd, but happy feeling the way he ran his tongue against her's and up against her teeth, like he was trying to memorize her lips before the contact ended. If she were to let herself admit it, she would say she was enjoying the kiss. She had expected James' lips to be hard, as hard as the insults that came from them. And taste as bad as the pick up lines he used. But his lips were soft and only slightly chapped, and he tasted like lemon lime soda and ice cream. Vanilla, ice cream. She concentrated on the way he moved, the way his tongue coiled in her mouth, drawing her own out to taste his lips. The way they somehow managed to breath in tandem. The way his hand held her's and the world felt like it was crashing around her because she had let herself fall too far or too fast, that this meant something and maybe she wanted it to mean something yet it meant nothing at all.

Reluctantly, James pulled away out of a need for oxygen and because, as good as the kiss was, it could not last forever. "See?" James said. "We kissed, and the world has not ended."

"Maybe it has." She mumbled, fingering her arm where his hand had been rubbing moments before.

"Lily, everything will be alright, if this goes either way. I promise, nothing bad will happen. Everything, every little thing will be okay." James stood, running his hand through his hair. "I'll leave you to your thoughts, yeah?"

Lily nodded.

Heading for the stairs, James paused and turned back. "Whenever you want to talk about this, I'm ready. If you want this to be something, fine. If you don't, fine. But the sun will still come up, and the stars will still come out, and the world will still turn. Everything will be absolutely fine, nomatter what path you take. You're you, and you know, deep down, that I'm right. You hate it, but you know." Without waiting for a response, James turned and headed up the steps back to his dorm.

Frowning, Lily stood, gathering her quilt and her book. She hated how he knew her so well. So, perhaps he was right. They would talk about the kiss, yes. And even if it turned into something, maybe that something wasn't so bad after all. If it didn't, it didn't mean the kiss hadn't been just as special as it had. "Just a kiss." She repeated outloud, grinning.

As Lily lay in bed, her covers pulled up to her chin, she cursed James' Potter knowledge of all things Lily Evans. He was right, yet again. The worry was gone, and Lily Evans would indeed sleep tonight.


End file.
